Writing Sample – An opinion essay
Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. Do you agree or disagree?
As veganism trending is becoming extremely common, many people hold the view that people can maintain a healthy lifestyle without the need of meat. I agree that being a vegetarian means being healthier. However, I would argue that remove meat from daily diet can lead to variously-detrimental consequences which directly associates to our health(1).
To begin with, there are many undeniable positive aspects of having a vegetarian diet. The most significant benefit is that this diet helps reverse several chronic illnesses such as heart disease, cancer or obesity. This is mainly because plant-based foods consume less cholesterol so consequently, there will be a lower level of blood pressure and cholesterol (2).
Another advantage is that vegetarians are less likely to be overweight as the amount of fat in vegetables is extremely lower than that in meat (3).
However, meat can nourish our body more than plant-based foods can. Firstly, vegetables are deficient in protein whereas a large amount of this is found in meat (4). The main reason why human’s body needs to consume a balanced diet of protein is to build and repair tissue as well as maintain a healthy body, which is vital when doing anything energetic (5). Secondly, besides promoting mental health, meat also improve physical health as meat is extremely rich in various vitamins and minerals such as vitamin A, B, D (6). It has been proven that these vitamins play an important role in promoting good vision, stronger teeth and bones system (7).
In conclusion, it is true that following vegetarian diets results in many benefits such as lowering risks of getting chronic illnesses. However, I believe that meat is highly required while maintaining healthy diets (8). (283 words)
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- However, I would argue that removing meat from daily diet can lead to variously detrimental consequences for our health. — a gerund form is needed instead of ‘remove’. You don’t need a hyphen between ‘variously’ and ‘detrimental’. I have shortened your construction because the extra words do not add anything to the text. In that case the syntax was wrong too. Using more words that do not add any meaning is bad for your final score.
- This is mainly because plant-based foods contain less cholesterol so consequently, blood pressure will be lower. — ‘Cholesterol’ is pretty difficult to paraphrase, avoid using it twice in the same sentence.
- Another advantage is that vegetarians are less likely to be overweight as the amount of fat in vegetables is much lower than that in meat. — don’t forget that you are making a comparison here, a comparative adjective should be used.
- Firstly, vegetables are deficient in protein whereas a large amount of it is found in meat. — ‘it’ should be used to refer to something mentioned just now.
- The main reason why human’s body needs (to have) a balanced diet of protein is to build and repair tissue (what tissue?) as well as maintain a healthy body, which is vital when doing anything energetic. — ‘to have a diet’ is a better collocation. Alternatively (and preferably) it could be omitted (the text in the brackets is optional).The second part of the sentence is a bit vague — it lacks specific information and hardly adds anything new to the essay. It states the obvious like ‘you need a healthy body to do something that requires energy’. Use your essay to conduct more interesting thoughts and less trite ideas e.g. ‘A healthy, energetic lifestyle is rare nowadays as most people spend their time in front of their computers. To maintain an active life like this one has to have a balanced diet’. This is just an example of how you can use the precious writing space to convey a message.
- Secondly, besides promoting mental health, meat also improves physical health as it is extremely rich in various vitamins and minerals such as vitamin A, B, D. — ‘meat’ is singular. Also avoid using this word twice — I have replaced it with with a pronoun.
- It has been proven that these vitamins play an important role in ensuring good vision, stronger teeth and bones — ‘Promote’ is not the best verb for this context. I have also dropped ‘system’ as it is redundant here.
- However, I believe that meat is highly recommended while maintaining healthy diets — ‘highly required’ is rarely used, and almost of all the uses are by foreign speakers. Use ‘highly recommended’ or simply ‘required’.
The essay has adequate structure — both positive and negative aspects of the approach are given equal attention. The reader would be well-informed on the issue of vegetarianism. The language is fairly varied with a good range of health-related vocabulary. Occasional mistakes and inaccuracies do not stand in the way of understanding the message. The author occasionally repeats the same word — proof-reading the essay would have helped eliminating this.
Hope you have found it useful!